Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I've been feeling lost, like I don't know anything about myself.

Recently I took this personality test for fun because a kid from church was telling me about it and I got the "peacemaker".

Avoids confrontation is probably one of the things that stuck with me the most about it. Which is true about me, but someone told me a long time ago that I stick up for what I believe so what happened? Did I lose myself? Was it ever true in the first place?

On top of that, describing yourself as avoiding conflict isn't really a desirable trait. Now I question myself at every turn. Am I being passive? Am I saying enough?

I'm lost.

I feel tired of everything and I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing for myself. I don't know my reasons anymore and I don't feel inclined to do much. I want to learn myself again and remember why I do what I do.

The whole 'avoid conflict' thing, I'm starting to see how it's destroying me. I've shut off emotion and I've taken a back seat to my own life. I do everything just to do it. It's routine, it's habit, it's mindless. It should be ambition, it should be dedication, it should be happy, it should be worth every second.

There are so many things I don't think through anymore because ignorance is bliss and I'd rather not be worrying about such things. I'd rather not make it complicated, I'd rather keep things easy and just go with it.

Because I don't want to know if I'm wrong.
I don't want to be wrong about myself.
I don't want to be wrong.

But maybe it's okay to be wrong.

I'm going to lay it all out.
Search.
And I'll see if I can find myself again.

Here's what I want.
Here's why I want it.

Is it good enough?

Teacher:
I don't want to do the same things every day.
Call it déjà vu: I've imagined having my own classroom since I was a kid.
Many of the wonderful people I have met in my life are teachers. I want to be like them: intelligent, humorous, beautiful, kind, caring, energetic.
To give.

Why?
I still feel like I don't know why.
I still feel like it's not good enough.
Why am I still searching for the reason when I have already chosen?
It's like I've jumped without looking.

TNF:
I want a role model but never had one. I wish to be that for someone.
We have done great things and have more to do.
For my dad.
For my mom.
I've been given great friends.

...I know now.

I remember.

In life, we are here to make other people happy.

Something my dad said once.

I do feel like I'm here to serve other people.
I want to make a difference in the world, no matter how small.
I will be remembered.
I will change lives.
I will touch souls.

I will work at everything I feel I'm not good at. Another reason why I chose teaching.
Everything that a teacher does is what I'm scared of or what I'm not.
But it is what I want to be.

I wrote this to find myself and remind myself.
I think I've made it.

Go out and do it.

Stay challenged and better myself.

Remind myself.
I will remind myself that life is beautiful.
I will remind myself to live slowly.
I will remind myself to do what scares me.
I will remind myself to have courage.
I will remind myself to be brave.